As I write this, I'm sitting at a desk in an office on my first day as a trainee reporter at my local newspaper. I responded to an advert in the newspaper itself and was thankfully successful. I figured I may as well go for it. Experience is key in this profession. A degree might help, but it wouldn't make me anything special what with the hundreds of thousands of other students who'd be graduating at the same time as me. I may as well get my foot in the door now and complete my degree in my own time. The Open University do a good course. So it's goodbye Leeds and the disappointing student life, hello to my hometown and the start of a paid career!
I'm really glad I went for this job. My first day's been satisfactory. I've only been given bits and bobs to write up and been a bit bored at times with nothing to do, but there's nowhere I'd rather be working or studying. I get to go to court with the news editor tomorrow which should be fun!
I'm just coming to terms with a really devastating week where I unfortunately lost a very close relative. I miss granny every day and will never stop thinking of her. I'm just trying to busy myself and focus on my career and relationship. I have to be strong for my family.
Sometimes, when I'm unsuccessfully trying to concoct some witty piece of 'writing', I start to feel down and lose belief in myself and my future career. I tell myself to be strong and learn to accept constructive criticism, but it's hard not to believe that my talent is non-existent and I'll always have to struggle to find the right words, while I watch them roll freely from the tongues of other, more eminent and distinguished beings. I begin to resign myself to the fact that I'll be stuck as an under-paid, over-worked employee in a mundane, menial job for the rest of my life. I'll clock in at 9, clock out at 5. Have tea on the table for my husband when he comes home from work, do the dishes, talk meaninglessly with my family about their equally banal days, settle down in front of the TV and religiously absorb the same humdrum TV schedules, shaking my head in pity at the news stories telling tales of the poor, the poverty-stricken, the ill and the disastrous, while inwardly cursing the day I gave up on my dream to compile and write such news stories myself.
I don't want that life. I see so many adults settling for what they have rather than chasing their dreams. So many people existing day to day through the same plodding and insipid lifestyles, structured by rigid regularity, without questioning their lives, wondering whether they can better themselves and if so, determinedly deciding to do it. Nobody embraces life, embraces spontaneity, passion, fun. I want to embrace those things. I want to live my dream, even if it means working irregular hours and having little or no sleep. Don't get me wrong; I'd rather work to live than live to work. My family would always come first. But isn't it a bonus to say that you love your job? How many people can say that they love Monday mornings, getting up at the crack of dawn and heading off to work? I want to be able to say that.
That's why I don't give up on my dream. That's why I keep writing in the face of adversity and refuse to take criticism like a man. I want this. I'm rarely passionate about anything in life, but love and writing are two things that manage to brew up an immense amount of passion within me, and I can never turn my back on either of them.
I think the picture to the left might soon be relevant to me and I can't wait 'til it is.
I know I probably sound hugely melodramatic but there've been few times in my life when I've felt lower and more dejected than I do now. Nothing here is as I expected it to be. I'm not happy. When I go home or visit Ian I never want to come back, so I've finally decided to move back to my glorious home town. All I have to do is brave the manager's office to enquire about going home and then pack up my things.
I'm so relieved to have finally come to a decision. It feels like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can assuredly relax. The penny ultimately dropped when I was at home this weekend for both my dad's birthday and my baby sister's christening. I went out for two really nice nights with my family and felt so comfortable and wanted. Ian managed to drum into my head the fact that I'd be happier at home and people actually want me to go back. I miss them, they miss me. Decision final.
The rest of my life seems to be flowing quite nicely at the moment. My relationship with Ian keeps going from strength to strength. He never ceases to amaze me. The time we spend together is constantly fulfilling and I never want it to end.
Uni's going ok. I'm just trying to get my head down, do the work and hopefully enjoy it. I'm also trying to do more writing in my spare time so I get into the habit. The only downside is that it often distracts me from my studies!
I realised that I've never done a proper introduction, so I thought I'd do something to enable you to get to know me a bit better. (stolen from Little Red Boat)
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1. I'm 18 years old, which is why I decided to write 18 facts instead of a nice round number like 20 (plus 18 means I have 2 less facts to think of!).
2. I met my boyfriend on the internet. Some people find this really weird but it's honestly not as sinister as it might sound! We met on a well-known teenage profile site and chatted by email and phone for over a year before we met in person, so it wasn't like we were complete strangers. And the moment we met was the greatest and most significant moment of my life <3
3. I hate confrontation. If anyone criticises me, shouts at me or talks down to me, I'm likely to cry.
4. I'm watching Hollyoaks as I write this. It's one of my guilty pleasures.
5. I'm a people-pleaser and a big worrier. I strive to make everyone happy and often forget about myself in the process.
6. I've got naturally ginger hair (though I prefer to describe it as 'red' or 'auburn'!) and I'm only just starting to become proud of it. As I'm sure most redheads do, I felt quite uncomfortable with my looks when I was younger and I became increasingly aware of the fact that I'm in a minority. I started putting blonde highlights into my hair when I was about 14 and only recently decided to go natural again. I want to be proud of who I am. 7. I've always wanted to be a journalist, or a writer of some kind. Unfortunately this desire was put on the backburner last year when I decided I might try teaching instead. This was because I witnessed a talk about the undergraduate journalism course at the University of Sheffield which stressed that a strong will and shed-loads of talent are essential in such a competitive business. This led me to the conclusion that maybe I'm not cut out to be a writer after all. However, I am no longer willing to have such a defeatist attitude! 8. I'm struggling to think of things to fill this list! I don't see myself as a very interesting person.
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Edit (11.39pm):
9: I had a very active imagination as a child. In particular, I had two male imaginary friends who used to do everything and go everywhere with me! I don't remember what they looked like anymore but they apparently used to be very vivid to me, so much so that my mum thought I could see ghosts. ---
Edit (next day 12.59pm):
10. I love being lazy and sleeping in on weekdays, waking up to the joy that is daytime TV. Nothing beats The Wright Stuff, Trisha and Loose Women!
11. I style myself as a nice family-oriented girl, but the fact is that I don't make much of an effort to speak to any relatives other than my parents and brother. The last time I properly saw my nanna was on my birthday at the beginning of July (though to be fair I did write her a letter a couple of weeks ago because I felt so guilty).
12. I'm rubbish at throwing things away (no pun intended!). I'm a very sentimental person and I like to hang on to all sorts of things, like old teddies, cinema and train tickets, letters and a pressed daffodil which is now very brown and shrivelled.
13. My parents split up twice when I was in my teens, and finally divorced shortly after my 17th birthday. The first split was awful and I'll never forget the gut-wrenching devastation I felt when I left my dad on his own in his new flat for the first time. However, the second split didn't bother me very much. Maybe it was because I was older and more mature, or simply because I was sick of the shouting, bickering and palpable tension in the house.
14. I went through a bit of a party animal phase last year, but now I don't care if I don't go out very much and I'm not even that keen on the taste of alcohol. I like quiet nights in, trips to the cinema or a quiet drink in the pub. Maybe it's my old age!
15. I'm a dog person, so much more so than a cat person, and I absolutely adore my dog RJ :-) But I'm sick of people reminding me that he's 'getting old'. I want him to live forever.
16. I'm jealous of my boyfriend's strength. He'll probably jump up and vehemently deny this, but he's been through a lot and, like it or not, he's got through it and come out the other end with a smile of his face. I'm really proud of him and I wish I possessed such an admirable quality.
17. I love to shop, but only when I have plenty of money to spend! Window shopping depresses me. I wish I could pull off some of the trendier, more outrageous styles of the moment, but I'm more of a down-to-earth, high street gal myself.
18. I owe a lot to acting. Pursuing the subject of drama at GCSE and A level helped me immensely in combatting my shyness and becoming more confident in myself when interacting with other people.
What have I got myself into?! For the next issue of LiMe I have to try and get an interview with Chris Moyles or a member of the breakfast show team when they come to Leeds to switch on the Christmas lights next Monday. Ever tried contacting Radio 1? It's near-impossible! I've emailed twice, text once and rung three times so far but no luck. But you know what they say: if at first you don't succeed, try and try again!
"All I ever wanted, all I never needed is here in my arms... Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm..."
I've been thinking about my boyfriend a lot lately. He's in Cyprus with his family 'til Wednesday night and I miss him like crazy. Since he's been gone, I've had three days where I haven't even heard his voice. We've been keeping in touch with regular texts, but it's not the same. It feels like a part of me's missing. We've been together for almost nine months, and we've spoken on the phone every single day for an average of about an hour each time. Not talking to him feels so wrong!
I'm about to sound really soppy, but I've been thinking about how much he means to me. I really don't know where I'd be without him. He's influenced my life in more ways than he knows. He's changed me and I love everything about him. I can't stand us not being together. I know I'm only young, but I'm certain I've found the person I'm meant to spend my life with.
He's all I've been thinking about lately. I've been home since Wednesday night and have just returned to Leeds. Home sweet home... I like the space and freedom I get here, but it's not home.
I've been thinking about my career a lot lately too. I went to a media training day at Newcastle University on Friday. It was organised for student journalists by the NUS. It was really useful and gave me lots of tips for the uni magazine, but it also allowed me to get the opinions of professional journalism experts. Apparently a degree is worth zilch in this industry because it's so common. Today, everyone's a graduate. So what I need to do is get plenty of work experience. If I manage to build up a big fat cuttings book displaying all my published work, it'll set me apart from the thousands of other degree-holders. I'm determined to break my way into journalism and I'm gonna put my heart and soul into getting there.
I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm gonna stick it out here for another couple of months, maybe 'til Christmas. If I'm still lonely by then, I'll go home. I don't even care about the first rent instalment I'll have lost, it was paid for by the Student Loans Company after all. But anyway, we'll see how things go. I'm not a huge fan of my flatmates, but surely there are other people who can be my friends... Maybe I'm lonely because I don't have much to do, but if I get a job and get involved in some extra-curricular activity or other, perhaps I'll feel more comfortable here. I don't know. All I do know is that I can't carry on like this, being too nervous to go into the kitchen and eat my own food because my flatmates are in there and I'm too shy, nervous or whatever. Things need to change.
Pros of staying: * Gain independence * Chance to fend for myself * Chance to come out of my shell and meet new people
Pros of going home: * Buy a car and commute, gaining more independence to go wherever I want (though I've got a railcard for train discounts, so would it be wise to get a car..?) * Closer to family, my baby sister and my dog * Feel more comfortable and 'at home'
Crisis talks are to take place over the next few days!
The humble ramblings and observations of a demure teenage bookworm, pop culture junkie and aspiring teacher who's apparently too good for her own good.
Rebecca. Female. 18 years old. Yorkshire born and bred. Taken and in love <3 Listings producer... and bored of it! Happy-go-lucky. Not as pretentious as the title might suggest! Likes to dream of a future filled with love, happiness, mansions and swimming pools. Sometimes geeky, often weird and thick as two short planks. Loves reading, writing, people-watching, having in-depth conversations, going for long walks, talking on the phone late at night and admiring the beauty of the natural world. Hates narrow-minded, self-centred, politically incorrect people, salad and creases.
